A Life and Death Situation Revealed - Performance Based

So how was last week's look at ourselves?

I know I have had to look harder and harder at me, just to be able to talk to you about you. Fact of the matter is, the more we talk about us, I hope the more we can begin to see how much more of us we want to know, and how much less about us we believe.

I'm not saying that many of the things we believe to be true about ourselves aren't really happening. They are very real.

What I am saying is that these things are mostly temporary, contained to this life. Well, contained to life as we currently know it.

In Christ we have a brand new life. I believe some of you reading this already know that. I mean really know it. But many of you have just begun to discover this wonderful Truth of your salvation. I believe it is possible maybe many reading this still have not received Christ.

I am praying for you that through some of these things we talk about, that barriers between what you have been conditioned or thought to believe about you and/or God will be demolished. I am praying that you will break through, jump over, and overcome these barriers through pure surrender and begin to run free in the wonderful Life of Christ.

"What is it about me tha is holding me back from Life (in Christ)? I've been trying the best I can to live this life!" you might say. God may also answer your question with this response, "life?". "You actual mean, death."

"What does that mean?" Well, even if it doesn't make sense yet, it gets us ready for me to introduce to you Kimberly :) .

Kimberly in Real "life"

Kimberly is what I would like to call our "everyday" person. You can run into Kimberly everywhere you go. We all know tons of Kimberly's. As a matter of fact, you may be Kimberly, but going by a different name...... Kimberly's everyday life is characterized by everyday death. I mean, she is going through life pretty well, but somehow no matter how hard she tries to live, she just gets closer and closer to more death(s) .....

Prepared to meet Kimberly? You must be thinking, "That intro is intriguing ..." Right?

Well, doggone! Anyway. Here she is:

Kimberly grew up in a modest home. Her parents made a modest income. She had decent grades in school. Kimberly was thought to be a "sweet" girl by all her friends. Her Dad's occupation was a welder. Her Mom was a bookkeeper at a local merchandise wholesaler.

You may or may not be able to see it, but her Dad, Jim, loves his little girl. He just works too many hours and is home too little and then is too tired to get to know Kimberly, too well.

Kimberly's mother, Jean, is quite the opposite. Jean, spends much time around Kimberly. Their relationship would not be fall into the category of nurturing but it would fall into the category of "mothering." Jean was very available for Kimberly, was also pretty strict by the day's standards. Kimberly always thought her Mom was too hard on her. "Just look at my other friend's moms.... They're not ...."

Jim and Jean are "involved" in Kimberly's life. Even though neither parent ever majored in "encouragement" they make it to most of the special events in Kimberly's life. School stuff, church programs, piano recitals, etc... - Jim and Jean are there...

Kimberly doesn't get what you would call special attention. But, Kimberly did get what many would call "performance" attention. For example:

• Good grades = "Atta Girls"
• Bad grades = "Good report card, but how about this C in geometry. Got to get that up." (Forgetting or canceling the small recognition of three hard earned A's and a B+ in her other classes)

Like all of the relationships we're going to look at we need to look into this question. What was Kimberly's relationship like with her Dad?

Well, we've got to go back to Kim's first day, I mean her first day breathing earth air.... Dad really wanted another boy, but got a girl.

Jim didn't really understand girls. But it was not hard to fall in love with such a pretty baby. Jim's real weakness in fathering Kimberly came in his own experience. Jim didn't really know how to relate to girls or "girls stuff". As she grew-up, most of their conversations were superficial about daily "how's it goings" instead of deep Daddy talks.

Seems like Dad only really stood up and took notice when Kimberly:

• looked more pretty than normal
• got a little too emotional
• was overly dramatic about a situation
• or, seemed to disrespect Jim's 'authority'

Ok so that' pretty good ground-work .....

Let's look deeper at the other prime early development relationship Kimberly had. What was Kimberly's daily relationship like with Jean (her mom)?

Remember, Jim worked a lot so he "let" Jean make most of the decisions - finances, discipline, etc...

Mom's primary concern was raising a "lady". This got Kimberly most of her attention and most of her identity.

If Kim:

• Looked neat
• Had good posture
• Spoke well
• Was more classy, than "tacky"

Things went well with she and Jean.

When "Kimberly Renee!" did not measure up- Mom scolded amd made Kim feel not quite up to standards - almost "trashy", as Jean would often say.

Their family were pretty regular attendees at church - their "woman-only-wear pants-on-Sunday-night" church - - -

The family would attend church events, socials, kid's programs ....

Kim sang in the youth choir and even went on a couple of "mission trips"

All of this gave Kim a real sense of her religion --- a sense of doing the right stuff.

So here is how Kimberly's home and life experiences shake-out to form her own personal identity.

With friends:

• Kimberly gets along with most people
• She's sometimes a little too quick to judge others on appearances
• She acts like she accepts everyone - though she definitely draws the line at actual association depending on her quality grading system

With the opposite sex:

Kimberly found that if she dressed neatly with just enough "flirt and skirt" boys would notice

Kimberly discovered from her relationship with Dad - if she "played games" with the boys just a little, you know, was emotional at just the right times - positive or, better yet, negative - then she could keep a boy interested.

How about Kimberly's personal relationship with God?

"If I sing in the choir, stay lady-like, go to church, act nice to people, pray about stuff that worries or scares me, and stay mostly good and not "trashy" - God will keep liking me; God will be pleased, too."

You now have more information on Kim than she has discovered herself. But, that's not the "sum" of it. You know Jim kept working, Jean kept cooking, Kimberly kept growing up, and then one day grew-up, got a life, and took her personal identity with her.

Kimberly married Gary right out of high school:

She knew how to play him just enough to not really ever get to know him.

And, for his part, Gary thought that Kimberly was plenty pretty enough and surely sweet, enough -This just made him know she would meet everything He expected in a wife.

Problem was, that Kim picked up on what Gary liked early enough that she was able to perform just like he expected - Gary and Kimberly both worked pretty steadily to convince themselves 'it must be love'.

They married and soon had one beautiful child together, Evan. And, their young marriage continued on.

Where Gary and Kimberly's marriage began to fail was when both of their fairly "normal" flesh (experience based engrained truth), clashed and it became obvious they had conflicting ideas of marital bliss.

Gary wanted two things:

• He wanted to manage and control the housedhold (his experience)
• He wanted emotional and sexual support and submission from Kimberly

For Kimberly, life as wife and mother was very different than what Gary had envisioned she would turn to:

• Kim had seen a wife/mother controlled household growing up, and that's all she knew (Jean's style)
• The more Kim tried to manage and do well, as she had learned, the more Gary felt disrespected
• Kimberly's emotional games and "flirt and skirt" were not really what Gary wanted anymore- it was definitely not what Kim had the stamina to continue to produce, either.

When reality set in, a diagnosis of their problem from Kimberly's side would look like this if Kimberly had someone to actually show her to it:

• Jim (her Dad) had not just never related to Kim so he had never really helped her learn how to relate to any man
• Kimberly failed miserably in actual male/female, real life relationships
• Gary saw Kimberly as a failure in meeting his needs
• Kimberly therefore eventually thought herself a failure, too
• Though Kim really tried, she couldn't turn this relationship around all by herself

Gary and Kim split after he had an affair with his "more understanding" co-worker. Kimberly felt so betrayed and "trashy" she couldn't go on with him.....

So, How about Kim today; this year?

Kimberly is now married to Alan - his second marriage. And, though they just might make it work, their mixed family (his daughters and her son) and their previous relationship hang-ups, are sure beginning to take big hits on their own new "love".

But, "maybe if", Kim thinks, "If I can hold it together, do better with Alan's needs, and keep him happy" this one will work out.

What do you think?

I'd really like your comments on this. Look right below this and see the "Comments". Click on that and sound off a little bit... Don't be shy, you can even do it anonymously....

In the mean time, I am really hoping you are beginning to pick out "flesh" patterns from Ben (last week) and Kimberly (this week). I am anxious to see if you are beginning to pick out - new term here - some performance based acceptance behaviors, too.

I know and you know that this young mom named Kimberly looks a lot like what many of us see ourselves looking like.

Try this: Pick out some of those traits similar to you. Then ask God to show you the real truth about you. He'll answer if you ask!

You know I love you and am continuing to pray for you, daily!

And , how about this -- We'll meet Greg in a couple of days -- he is really impressive!

' til then.....

~Doug out